Standing up for myself

I've been a pretty disgruntled employee for the past several weeks. There have been caddy, sarcastic, demeaning notes left around the lab by our PI that have really brought lab morale down. In addition, I've been frustrated by something else. Last weekend was one of the first sunny weekends in months. In addition, with Ryan working Sundays, we haven't gotten to do fun outdoors weekend stuff together in quite sometime.

Well, our lab PI has been avoiding people, including students, ever since she started teaching a class this quarter...been too busy. I couldn't find her last Thursday, so I sent her an email:

Hi (PI),
I tried stopping by your office, but must have missed you. Since Ryan works weekends, we haven't had a nice day off together in quite a while. I was thinking that I'd swap tomorrow, Friday, with Sunday so we can spend tomorrow together since he has Fridays off. I hope this is OK. See you Monday.
Cheers, Chris

Well, we had a great day on Friday, and I don't regret swapping it for Sunday. But that night when I got home, this email awaited my in my box:

Chris, graduate school is not a five day a week job, you should be doing whatever it takes to get your research and classwork done, including working on nights and weekends. So, swapping a weekday for a weekend day makes very little sense from my frame of reference, since they are essentially all the same. It always surprises me when I don't see students around on the weekends, because I know what it takes to make it in science.

I don't know what part angered me more. The insinuation that I wasn't in the lab enough, or that she really thinks she knows what it takes to make it in science. Sure, she may have her PhD, but she has a horrible reputation among students. Since starting to work here, she's apparently lost several post-docs and a lab manager, all on not-so-nice terms. In addition, she hasn't graduated a single student yet. And the one graduating with a MS this summer was supposed to be here for a PhD, but decided he couldn't stand to work under this PI anymore. Until this email, I though I had a fairly decent relationship with the PI. I had been extremely disheartened by the nasty notes in the lab, but the complaints in them never really applied to me...they had been more of a downer than personal attacks.

But the email was personal and it struck a nerve. I cried my eyes out. I work my ass off and really don't appreciate the insinuation that I'm not working hard enough. I do work plenty of weekends and I know I'm the best student to come through this lab. I really want my PhD. But at the same time I'm simply not willing to tolerate such a hostile work environment. And hostile is putting it nicely. I've wanted to talk to the PI about the lab work environment for several weeks, but like I said, the PI has been too busy for students and has canceled all our meeting so far this month.

Today I cracked. I'm here in the lab...yes, on a Sunday...and I reread the email. Then I looked through my lab notebook to account for all my weekend time in the lab. Then I wrote and email to the PI laying out my case and defending myself. I'm not good at that. I've very rarely had to do it before. I'm a hard worker and none of my advisers or bosses have ever questioned how much time I put in before. Additionally, I've been blessed with amazing advisers and bosses until now. They were professional, were amazing mentors, and showed appreciation for work well done. Anyway, I wrote an email, and after an hour of hesitation, I finally sent it:

Hi (PI), just so we're on the same page here, I thought I'd try clarify somethings.

When I said that I would swap Friday for Sunday, it was not to say that I'd "still" be working a 5-day-week...it was to emphasize that i wasn't going to be working a 4-day one. Going back through my own lab notebook shows me that I've actually been in the lab running experiments 10 of the last 16 weekends. And that doesn't count the times when I've come in to just to analyze data, do homework, or do other work. I reserve weekends for doing chores like the dishes, for example. And I even came in one recent Sunday for the sole purpose of assembling the shelves in the new deli case, a chore I doubt any one else would set to unless asked.

I do realize that it takes a lot of time and effort to be a successful doctorate student. I'm not a slacker, and all of my old advisers and bosses will attest to that. But that being said, there are things I will not do, and will not sacrifice for graduate school, or anything else for that matter. Those things include my physical, and emotional well-being, and meaningful relationships with family and friends. Experience has taught me, sometimes in harsh ways, that life is too short and too precious to squander. The time we have with loved ones today cannot be banked until tomorrow. There are few people in this world upon whose death beds would claim their biggest regret to be not having spent enough time at work. I work to live, and not the other way around. And I do not believe that mentality, in any way, diminishes the quality of my work, or my enthusiasm regarding the science. I am a committed student, and put 100% into my work. But I am also an adult, and owe it to myself to live as I know is reasonable and right.

I hope that this sounds reasonable to you as well, and that you can understand where I'm coming from.

Cheers,Chris

So there it is. That's what I said. I now have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I sort of want to throw up...but I know it needed to be done. I wanted to address the nasty notes too, but this was about as much as I could set to for the moment. Besides, I'm sure we haven't seen the end of the nasty notes, so there will, no doubt, be other opportunities for that.